Monday, October 3, 2011

Following the Fissures

My God, what more can I do? How much more can I try and convince my wife that our life together simply isn't what it was six years ago? How do I stop the pressure and contain the emergency that is my marital floodgates from bursting? I am reminded of a display of human ingenuity this past weekend, where several groups of elderly people, a few mothers with her brood and plenty of WWE style signs, standing on the corner of Popular showing their support for the power of prayer and the abolition of abortion. "Pray to end Abortion!"
I mention this not because of the message, but the delivery. Praying to God to end something we created, which is ironic really. How many prayers does it take to make a woman not go through with that unwanted fetus, which was placed there by a rapist without a conscious? As I drove by these assholes, I wanted to veer suddenly, perhaps claim to have seen a dog run into the street or something, and plow through these people taking up My God's time with abortion, when I need His guidance with my marriage and trying to keep it together. I am trying to remain married to one woman as God intended, while these apes (who I am willing to bet good money on having been married multiple times) protest abortion in God's name. I need My God. I need Him to hear my prayers because they are sincere and honest and true and far more important than someone trying to make another person bring an unwanted life into an already overpopulated world to be shunned upon and treated exactly how someone should be treated, when not wanted, like a stray. I need God to bring me some kind of bleeding miracle, because the woman I love and the mother of my child is simply no longer responding to me, as though she has mentally shut me out of her life and I am without the foggiest clue as to why, what have I done and how did I arrive here and where in the hell is the exit?

Did God send me a message years ago and I just ignored it? Would God stand idly by and allow someone he loves unconditionally suffer one tragic heartache after another, until the physical toll beings on an early stroke or heart attack in which there is not often a comeback story to follow? I AM TRYING TO PROVIDE A GOOD LOVING HOME TO MY DAUGHTER and I am being sacrificed for my troubles. Dear God, I have slowly bled myself dry over the cobblestones of marriage for a decade now and I am only bandaged now and again, drugged across them again before the scabs have a chance to heal and because...why? Why can't I get some kind if answer from the executioner? Why can't my spiritual father just throw me a nugget of epiphany to show me where all the goddamn trap doors are in this path of matrimony. For better or worse, SO. HELP. ME. GOD!

Help me find the strength to carry on with our without the woman I have given so much of my life to. To find a right way in explaining how I could not do something so damn simple as to keep a loving marriage together with my daughter's mother, to explain why a brother and sister are not likely, to say I am sorry for my shortcomings, but please believe me that I tried and tried and tried until there was nothing more I could do, but pray that God could help me, just a little, by planting a rouge thought into the mind of the woman who no longer responds to me and drifts into the blank space before her eyes whenever I speak to her. The same woman who can authentically look me in the eye and ponder if the sound of my voice is the cause to her explosive bowel movements on a day we spent laughing and enjoying one another. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG HERE???

My God, what more has to fall my way? I braved the life of having no father, worked my way through 9 temporary fathers in the process, battled my heart with my only parent who, till this day, cannot accept my wrongful statements to her, but expects me to forget the pain she brought upon me, cut the cord of family to have my immediate one survive just to hear the woman I fight for daily compare me to a fucking bowel movement. Please forgive me, for I have apparently done terrible things in a past life of which I am paying for now in this one. Oh, and please strike down the woman about to abort a child she knows she can not give a proper life too. 



  1. "Praying to God to end something we created, which is ironic really." Quite true, but then your life with your wife is a situation you've both created as well, is it not? They are asking God to sway the minds of others, and you are also asking God to sway the mind of another. I suspect that God's reply, in properly basso profundo voice, would be, "You're going to have to solve this mess on your own, my children." But still, I guess it can't hurt to ask.

  2. Agreed, but the point I am making with the comment is that if we are going to pray to God for something, it should be for something that we all can really lean on in time of needs, such as sickness and tragedy not fueling the desires of a select few. And I guess my standing with leaning on God for anything is that God has always been my only "father" and I turn to him as I would my biological jerk face who gave life to me. I can only imagine what the "hotline" to heaven must be like.

    Line 1- man needs that last lotto number please.
    line 2- woman asks that you allow her breast augmentation to be covered by spotty insurance.
    Line 3- Kanye wants to thank you for yet another grammy.
    Line 4- Kid needs an emergency spleen and type O negative blood match.

    And all prayer get the automated voice telling you, "We apologize for the hold, but your prayer will get answered in the order it was received"

    Imagine how the kid might feel.

  3. Well, true, praying for lottery numbers is frivolous, but I'm sure the anti-abortion people feel their cause is just a little more important than that. I would agree about the importance, even if I don't necessarily agree across the board with their position.

    Not that I'm looking to get into a debate about abortion. The last thing I'm looking for today is for someone to pop up with "The Liberal Conceit" and beat me over the head with the fact that I'm a man...and therefore, apparently, I'm not allowed to have an opinion in the matter. I will just add, cryptically, that my sympathies are probably more with those people than against them. I think their tactics often amount to terrorism, and I'm not a big fan of idiots with protest signs in general. But on the whole? I have to say that I'm pretty much against abortion. Yes, you can throw out extreme cases about rape and molestation and so on, but this comes off as a bit of a straw man to me. 99% of the time abortion isn't about these things, and it seems disingenuous to argue the validity of the practice as a whole on the basis of a such extreme circumstances. Is it unfair to have to raise a baby you didn't want? I suppose. But guess what? That's what happens when you Fuck! For them to whine that they shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of their after the fact...*sigh* I'll shut up now.

  4. "Is it unfair to have to raise a baby you didn't want? I suppose. But guess what? That's what happens when you Fuck! For them to whine that they shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of their after the fact...*sigh* I'll shut up now."

    By the way, I'm not talking here about women that were raped. I'm talking about the other 99%. I realize that it came out wrong and might have sounded that way. Rape is a special situation. I admit that. But arguing for the entire practice on the basis of these special cases would be like arguing that we should be able to euthanize anyone over 65 on the basis of a handful of terminal, comatose, patients on respirators.

  5. Perhaps. But, if, these people want to do something about abortion, then their time is better spent in electing officials who can actually do something about the current use of it. Also, only because I know a few of these yahoo's, they include the rape victims and the molestation victims. They see life and God's children regardless of cause. ALL abortions should be abolished and that is where I want to slow the progress of my vehicle down these speed bumps of morality. Picketing is about as effective as standing in front of the Sun complaining about the lack of SPF in your sunscreen. Abortion is nothing more than a political tool to elect religious people into power, where religion should never be in my opinion. Not one of them would be willing to adopt any kid to stop an abortion.

  6. Good point. I know some of these "yahoo's" myself, my mother for instance. And I definitely don't think that a women that's been raped should be forced to carry a child to term. That's just cruel.

    For me, I have a somewhat personal stake in the issue. My wife got pregnant at 17. We had to run away across the country, hiding from her was a huge mess. We considered getting an abortion. In the situation we were in, it was nearly impossible not to consider it. We even went down, and my wife ...well, wife-to-be... had a preliminary ultrasound, and they made an appointment for us to come back. I just happened to notice the ultrasound pictures on the secretary's desk. I saw the feet and hands. I went home and broke down and said, "We can't do this." I thought of this kid growing up, riding a bike. And, I tell you, it would have been the biggest mistake of my life...and it would have been murder, plain and simple. That's just how I feel.

  7. We all know that those protesters aren't really all that concerned about any issue. They are merely media whores playing "Hey look at me!" and hoping to get on the six o'clock news. Most of them are probably secretly praying for a bomb to go off or for some deranged lunatic to shoot one of the staff to bring some excitement to their drab simple lives. I'm sure that if there is a god he ignores them like the rest of us do.

    Get a lawyer, take your kid and throw her ass out of the house. You have suffered enough. There are other women out there.