Tuesday, April 17, 2012

An Old Friend- Revisited

I have nothing. I had nothing when I first met you and along the way I lost something dear to me, and I am once again empty. Empty on the inside, rotting away spiritually and condemned to this personal hell. I could speculate how I got here. I could even assume it was all your fault. I could make excuses for myself that could just as easily be thrown back at me, blamed for everything I've ever done that has lead me to the here and now...empty, without you in my life. I could blame technology and the evils driving our human thirst for the unknown and the knowledge it contains, influencing my consciousness to consider a lack of authority in my life and the universe surrounding it. I could just shout obscenities at the masses and fuel the growing machine of doubt, rebel against you and make a stand against your continued silence and lack of public showing but where would that get me? Hell. I could do a lot things, question you and the entire gospel of faith, until I near my last breath, and accept you into my heart and be saved. I guess I am saying, My God what have I become?

Godless. I have become godless. I do not wish to be, because I do believe in you. I have for the longest time, ever since I can remember. Like when my mother stepped out the door, promising me she would be back, and I asked you to be with me on that day and have her there for my return from school, only to learn that she had run into the arms of yet another man-again. But that was not your fault. Nor was it your fault on the countless other let-downs in my life, the lack of a father, mother, family, friends...clearly I am not easy to get along with. But you brought me my wife-the woman who is the mother of my child. The child whom I love more than life and the air that I breathe. And it was within her that I saw something special, something magical, legendary, even miraculous. My God, I found you in her eyes. In the way she smiles when I come home and how she saddens just a little when I leave. what I had thought was lost was only missing, and now that I have found it again I can grow it. I can Love it, unconditionally, knowing that it would not be possible without your blessing. I cannot explain why I know it's you, but I don't have to. I do not need to explain the love and thirst for life that you represent in all of your silent promises. You may have not answered a specific prayer, but you answered another I never needed to ask for. Somehow you knew, before it was and that is what makes you God. If not as a whole, then as a very important piece. So, yes, I have become Godless and more blessed than ever before.

1 comment:

  1. What a wonderful piece of writing I could not stop reading until I had finished it