Saturday, May 19, 2012

It's Just Us Now.

My God, whose Heaven looms somewhere over my head, dangling above my spiritual body like a carrot from a string. I know now that my belief in you has never waned, but the institution in which my faith resides has crumbled at my feet. The foundation of love and enlightenment, stained by the juices of sin and tainted by man's rules in how to be just one step closer to you. I feel cheated, slighted by an uncertainty that only becomes reality once my own reality comes to an end. "Believe in me and you shall live forever." It sounds so easy, so why am I having such a hard time accepting it? 

When truth bleeds into the fiction preached to me by countless others, over time, the wholesome lining of that belief begins to break down. Once my limitless wonder had been sustained only by the beauty and the peacefulness of my church. My neutral ground, where I could escape to and just listen to my own heartbeat and connect to you. Now that ground is filled with the screams of innocent children exploited by the same men I broke bread with, indulging in the ceremony of your son, my saviour, and his boundless love for me and those I   too love just as much. My family (those I can touch and hear as well as those I can only imagine inside my earthly constraints) soured and disconnected by public opinion on those who swear by you and serve you openly a few times a week. Is it much to ask? To trust in people who do their due diligence in washing away the distraction of modern advancement, to pull me back down to my knees and help remind me why I am here and why I should be thankful for the opportunity to take this life into the next and be with you, by your side, in Heaven? 

Where are you now? Is this where my faith takes over and guides me back to you? If so, how long do I have, before you decide I too am lost, like all those children who had their faith torn from them, physically and literally, by the same people who have also trampled upon my sacred ground. My God, I ask you, "What is Faith without its proper place in my life?"  Is my own home enough to punch my ticket when its time to check out from this life for good? Will my nomadic faith bring me back to my family when I am gone, or has this forced path of solitude also taken my earthly family from me too? It's not that I do not believe in you, this you should know, it's that my tools and their symbolic practices have left. My soul remains intact, for it has cosmically fixed itself to you, wherever you dwell, however I am supposed to get there...I just need a little more than Faith right now...I need some tangible proof to convince me that my fictional plane with you is more than just a story book fantasy. I hope you understand. It not you, it's not me, it's everyone else in-between us.  

The clock is ticking, I know. I just have to work out this mess and connecting the dots...draw the line and blur it back to a safe place, inside me, where it belongs. 

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