Tuesday, September 4, 2012

FAIL: Forgive. Amend. Insecurity. Love.

I haven't been around much lately, for that I am sorry. See I started this blog to search for something, which I am still not sure what something it is I am after, and I have not yet found it. I have however discovered a few things that I did not, at first, expect. I am not sure how I did so, perhaps my life, marriage and fatherhood have assisted with this. Perhaps it was always there and I am just using these things as a crutch for my insecurity and curiosity. It was my intent to be honest as I can be to you and the handful of people who read this; therefore, I tend to remain true to this promise.

My God, I have turned on you. I have set you aside for the tangible chaos that life so mercilessly dishes out to everyone, at least those people I know. It is without prejudice. Cruel, intentionally so, and as precise as a surgeon's scalpel, when it comes to making that first cut, deepest of all cuts and the prelude to a long healing. I FAIL.  I kneel on a bed of nails, searching my heart with penance, in hopes that you still hear my prayers, even though I ignore your signs. I do this not to disrespect, but to adhere to the defeatist within me. The distractions are numerous and, with technology, convincing. Your "Gospels" are outdated. Your commandments are common and logical, but who, in their right mind, would not abide by such rules. They are not the laws of My God, but the moral laws of a common decent man. Admittedly, I need more. Selfishly, I demand some prevalence that is not a direct threat to my mortal coil.

Why is it, you are found, most times, in life and death struggles? Is Faith a connection to you, or an extra life in this game we all play of the same name? I FAIL. I do this through you, even when I am questioning your presence. I FAIL. And here is why.

Forgiveness is an aspect of mind, in other words, if it fits the occasion then it becomes forgiven. I do not have time to pray. Forgiven- Sorry Lord, I was too tired to think of you. I cannot attend your church. Forgiven- Sorry Lord, I cannot sit in the same room with a priest who is more likely to sin than I am. Voting on a man's religious beliefs. Sorry Lord, I cannot allow the blind to lead the blind.  Distractions. I know them well. I know you have nothing to do with these distractions, and yet I cannot ignore them.

Amends is a progression to forgiveness. It can be the fueling element in changing a life completely around, or the linchpin in bringing one to an end, be it literally or metaphorically. I know you're out there. And yet, I know nothing at all. I must trust the word of man, who has a thousand years of lies to make amends for. I am better off starting over and making my own opinion. Doing this, I have sinned. And since I have too many to ask for forgiveness. I will simply try to make Amends.

Insecurity is a weakness in all man. It is where fear festers. Not being secure in my Faith, I have lost my place in your kingdom. I am trying to find it. I have already stated why and how I plan to do this. The immediate issue I have is that I have no confidence in anything anymore. I am losing my marriage. I am losing my financial assistance, which will directly impact the life I want to give my daughter, and my moral is low. I am old. I am tired. I am aching in places that no 34-year-old should. My wife lost a child and her job in a span of six months, I cannot imagine what she is going through, but I do know what I am going through, because of it, and it takes its toll. I am not only making amends for this, I am also forgiving myself and my wife for a great deal of things...I am just not very confident that it is sincere.

Love is what makes the world go around. It drives me. It means more to me than the air I breath. From all accounts, you are the purest of love and I need to be loved by you. I also need to be loved by my wife, but I am not sure she feels the same way about me. I am not sure I love myself enough to make it last long enough to find out. I Love so much and so much love is withering away inside of me. I have stated the reasons for this. So I FAIL. Each and everyday I FAIL. So, for the sake of argument, when will I start to Produce Anything Self Serving?

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