Sunday, December 23, 2012

Between the Lines

I have come a long way to get here. YOU have been with me on this journey for the most part, and it has had its fair share of ups and downs. My love has been tested thoroughly as well as my faith in you, none so now, more than ever; but, the dark continues to swell overhead. It's been this way for us for some time. I have tried to rekindle the fire we once shared. I have tried to repent for those sins I still have to bear. Nothing seems to work, these days. You have stopped listening to me, no matter how loud I beg, or plead, or pray. We are on opposite ends of hope, and that boat has long ceased to float. And God only knows I have tread water for so long, my head barely above the surface, but I am beginning to drown. My God, I am beginning to drown.

I am so afraid. Afraid of losing you entirely, to lose that connection that has uplifted my spirit and made me the man I am today. Afraid to watch, helplessly, as my world crumbles to the ground, everything I love and those things I have created in-between, turning into memories few and far away. Visitation seem a likely option, and yet I find myself asking why? Why must it be this way? Why must you forsake me, when I am trying so hard to light the way back into your arms? My God, show me some sign that there is life beyond the veil of vows, outside the compromises, the hurt and the anguish that has wedged all that we once had.

I am lonely without you in my life. I am lost without your presence, in a world filled with hatred and animosity. I no longer know the hand of my only friend. The spirit within, which has fueled me all these years, pressing me onward into salvation, finding the love inside the eyes of my daughter- our daughter has waned. What more must I do? My God, I have given, sacrificed my all, and I continued to bend on wounded knee and ask for your forgiveness. Like a dog that has bitten its master, I whimper at the doorstep of my home and ask humbly to be let in. My God, let me in.

I know nothing more I can say or do. My soul festers upon your delay. My heart continues to break for you every day. I am on a ledge, looking over, considering the fall, praying for a savior, and knowing all too well that I am alone in this decision. So I thrust myself against our doorstep again, and again. Knocking with bloodied knuckles, humbled tears, and salty swears. Let me in. Let me in.

Just. Let. Me. In.

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