Some of you who enjoy symbols and Dan Brown novels might have noticed the V in the title of this post. I chose to play along with the same symbolic jester for this blog, because this is where we come to pursue God, no matter how right or wrong our feelings, and today happens to be a day of meaning in general so why not run with it? I've struggled with my faith now for a couple of years. Things have not gone the way I had hoped they would and I suppose I banked on My God to sort them out. My mother decided to stop speaking to me, unless I go to her first, which is both childish and lazy on her part. My writing continues to stall, which is both my fault and speculatively not in my cards. My job is getting heavier in the responsibility department, and my wallet continues to be anemic for my heroic efforts. My home-life is slowly getting better, which is the forefront of today's post- Family; specifically, the family that resides beneath my rooftop.
If God is a metaphor for one continuous series of events, be it coincidental or otherwise, and my faith the conduit to understanding or unraveling the truth to said metaphors, then I guess I am now beginning to understand Him, His Plan, and the infinite allusion of eternal life. See, for me, everything comes crashing down at once. I write about my tragic marriage. I complain. I bicker. I rant and rave. I even throw in sweet tidings. I hem-haw around and bounce off walls in search of something to go according to design, and I ignore those little things that matter. Those tiny sweets that keep your heart pumping and churning towards the finish line. Today, as I prepared my sweets and cards for the two most important Valentines in my life, I paused and smiled. I did this because I realized those things that sour my faith and devotion, such as my mother joining my father in abandoning me and my life, are cleverly woven into my immediate family- My wife and daughter.
As I strive to make these two guys happy, I am also filling a void caused by family outside my doorstep. With each new smile I get from my wife or daughter, the hurt brought on from losing my mother heals a little more. The reality of losing her becomes a little easier to shoulder. Therefore, within that tiny pause, I also see My God working from the sidelines, perhaps even from the stands. Without great detail, I see a plan unfolding. It tells me without saying, sorry about your mother, but here is one step closer to another mother who matters more. She matters more because she is the mother of your daughter, and her health and happiness grows within the little girl coming to take you out to lunch today. Here I am, always with you. Hello God, I haven't seen you in such a long while.
Today I find love in spirit, body and soul. Today I find love inside my home. Today I find love in the form of my daughter rushing me, "Happy Balentene Day, Maddy!" She is getting closer, isn't she? I will then say hello to my wife of eleven years. "Hello lover. It is also good to see you, for I haven't in such a long while." And as I throw myself into this day among lovers, I will also lay my head upon my pillow tonight and quietly say, My God, it was truly an awesome day. And we will connect, The Holy Spirit and my broken Soul, and that too will bloom. I'm beginning to understand. I am taking it oneVstep at a time.
Happy Valentine's Day to you all.